In recent history I’ve carried around a heavy heart. When I write, I tend to reflect, and when I reflect, my thoughts are often unkind to myself. Today is different. It has been two weeks since I established my 15-week plan. I was nervous to put it out into the world because I felt I was setting myself up for failure.
I have had a tremendous and exhausting experience over the last two weeks. I was able to execute on my vision and more importantly I was able to specifically pinpoint where I need to make adjustments and improvements.
Originally I started this blog so that I would have a place to reflect. It seems that my reflections thus far have been mundane. I do hope to address some of the thoughts floating around in my head by writing pieces here in the coming weeks. Some things I hope to discuss:
- classism and Covid with a side of Bernie Sanders’ unsuccessful campaign
- the Eurocentricity of my “World Literature” course
- my thoughts on Ghazali’s “Alchemy of Happiness”
- the productivity and/versus self care conversation that many have been facing during quarantine
However, these more interesting topics will have to wait because today I have written a journal style entry, documenting the progress of my 15-week plan.
What Have I Been Doing?
Raising a Toddler
Over the last two weeks I have been obviously taking care of Baby Z on a daily basis. He has turned into a funny, mischievous, and adventurous little boy; it is absolutely amazing to witness his growth as he becomes a little person with ideas and opinions. Of course it has also been a lot of work. Lately he has been exploring his ability to make a mess of everything, especially while eating. Much of my time is spent catering to him, cleaning up after him and then recovering both mentally and physically. I tend to worry about everything related to him but I am for once reasonable enough to research instead of stew in my worries. Zakariyya has now spent 1/6th of his life in quarantine. Every day I am thankful for the position God has put us in, in terms of health and finances, so that we haven’t had to worry during these trying times. For me, it is just this minuscule paranoia that Baby Z will find it difficult to adjust to the company of others when he finally has the chance to interact again. Logically speaking, I know the rate at which babies learn is very impressive, and God willing he will learn and adapt very quickly. But my heart sometimes feels a tug.
Creating Life
Of course I have also been busy creating life in my womb. Sometimes it feels like a passive act and at other times it feels very involved. Nimboo (my nickname for him) has really been kicking up a storm. If I rest the book I’m reading on my tummy, you can see it jumping up and down as Nimboo kicks away. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m exhausted because I have a toddler or because I am pregnant. Either way, I am perpetually exhausted. My whole body aches on an almost daily basis, and when I say whole body I literally mean from the tips of my fingers to my toes. I am always sleepy. Often my stomach feels so stretched that it feels as though it will pop! Due to the pregnancy I’ve also been having terrible sinus pain on and off for the last couple of months and as a result I lost my sense of smell and taste, which has recently started to return. Pregnancy insomnia has also been haunting me on and off for the past few weeks. Pregnancy is not easy, but I am so excited to meet him. To smell him. To nurse him! I am very grateful that although my pregnancy hasn’t been easy, it also hasn’t been complicated. I chose not to see my obstetrician for the last two months because of the pandemic and by the grace of God, I feel content and worry-free about that decision.
Health/Fitness
In terms of my health goals I am happy to report that I have been walking (on average) 10 000 steps daily. I usually take Baby Z for a walk or two during the day but sometimes I have to make up the steps by pacing around my apartment. I’ve also been working out five days a week, it’s a very short and simple workout. Baby Z loves to do squats with me and has gotten quite proficient at bicep curls with my 2lb dumbells. I have mostly been eating whole foods and complex carbs. I recently cut out sugar completely. Today is day 5 and it has been extremely difficult for me. I absolutely love anything sweet and sugary. I do tend to control myself and try not to have sugar in excess but recently I felt that I needed to make a change. I started the sugar cleanse for two reasons: firstly because I have been taking my health very seriously as a pregnant mom of a toddler. I believe that both of my boys need me to be strong and healthy. Of course Nimboo is directly affected by everything I consume and thus I felt that cutting out added sugars would be good for him. The goal is to avoid sugar for two weeks and then allow moderate consumption for two days. I hope to follow this pattern for at least the rest of my pregnancy and possibly also the duration that Nimboo is nursed. The second reason for my sugar cleanse is simply because I was feeling a little controlled by sugar for the past couple of weeks. Pregnancy cravings were constantly pointing me in the direction of sugar and I didn’t feel comfortable with how powerful the tug felt. I decided that a complete cleanse would help me pull away and start fresh.
Religion/Spirituality
In terms of my religion goals, I have made the minimum progress I had hoped for. Because of Ramadan, I have been waking up prior to 4am to make Sehri for Ali. After that I pray Tahajjud and spend about an hour reading Quran. I then pray Fajr and I follow that up with about a half hour of Islamic reading (I read Alchemy of Happiness and am now reading The Footsteps of the Prophet). I finish with about half an hour of Arabic practice (I am going through the Quranic app/course). These days I don’t have much time/energy to perform extra ibadah during the day but continue to complete the Fardh prayers. There have been a few days where I haven’t been able to stay up and complete my morning readings but I still try to squeeze them in during the day when I can. Initially this was very disappointing but with constant self-reminders that I am pregnant and have a little toddler to chase around, I have come to accept that I can’t have full control over my time and body.
General Learning
I have been fairly consistent with staying up-to-date on current events. Recently I have been considering expanding my horizons in terms of the news outlets I refer to. Any suggestions are welcome.
Every other day, I cycle through finance and world literature readings. I have been diving into the Financial Times and working through a World Literature course. In the last few days I haven’t kept up with these readings because they are lowest priority for me and my exhaustion was getting the best of me.
Building My Business
I have made great progress here and I’m very excited! It has been quite difficult to stay consistent with this because I need larger chunks of uninterrupted time. I can find this time before 7am or after 7:30pm when Zakariyya is asleep. During Ramadan the early morning hours have been reserved for prayer and Islamic learning. After Ramadan I hope to split that time a bit. The evening hours are also slightly affected by Ramadan as dinner is delayed and it is usually around 9pm by the time I’m done cleaning up. By this point I have very low energy, and haven’t been able to channel it towards building Leader’s Voice. I have still been making time when I can and am prioritizing my Ramadan goals and keeping Zakariyya happy!
Reflections
I have had to make significant changes to my daily schedule, on an as needed basis. When I realized that I sometimes didn’t have enough time to complete all my daily goals I set priorities and moved things around. When I realized I had given myself no time to meal plan, order groceries, clean, do laundry and other home/family maintenance tasks, I decided to reserve a weekend day where I focus on these and do what I can otherwise.
Yesterday was a very difficult day for me. Pregnancy insomnia meant that I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 3am. I woke up for Sehri but was sent back to bed by Ali. I ended up sleeping in until 7:45am. Ali woke with baby Z and they were playing together by the time I got out of bed. I felt exhausted the whole day and wasn’t able to get much done. I could barely keep up with Baby Z. The worst part was how disappointed I felt. As a result of that I started to reflect on the purpose of all my goals. I am on a journey to learn all I can and be the best version of myself, on a daily basis. Some of the more severe lines I’ve drawn (cutting down on sleep, cutting out sugar and TV, etc…) are not meant to be mere forms of torture. Therefore I do realize that I need to listen to my body and allow flexibility. This should not be cause for disappointment.
All this to say that I am happy with how well I have pursued my goals thus far but even happier to see myself grow into someone that can let go and evolve in a situation without feeling like I have failed.