It’s been two months since my last post and for many reasons I have been dreading this update. The most simple of which is that I have not remained committed to my goals for the last month.
The month of Ramadan was tough but by the Grace of God I was able to do much of what I had planned. I continued to strive for most of my goals shortly after Ramadan as well. But June has been different. I am sad to say that I have not been “productive” in the way I had intended.
I want to reflect on what caused this drastic change in my attitude and behavior. Shortly after Ramadan I was simply exhausted and yearning for Zakariyya to see family and made a last minute trip to Canada. I was looking forward to getting a lot of rest and a lot of help with Zakariyya. In reality those two weeks were some of the most difficult I have had in a very long time. I didn’t get help or rest and to make matters more difficult, poor Zakariyya had a lot of trouble going to sleep and staying asleep in the new setting. We had some rough nights and a lot of early mornings. Ali and I were simply exhausted. My exhaustion was amplified by third trimester symptoms. But for those two weeks I still tried my very best to work towards my goals. On the last day of my stay, in response to my emotional outburst about not having had any help, I was told by my parents that taking care of Zakariyya was Ali and my responsibility alone. It has taken me a few weeks since this conversation to come to terms with what that meant. Raising a child is no easy task. I am responsible for Zakariyya in every sense of the word. Ali is my partner but I am the one researching, learning, planning, executing, and iterating to ensure I make all the right decisions as I raise my little baby. This (very obvious) reflection had two consequences: a feeling of guilt associated with wanting to focus on so many personal goals when I should be focusing on Zakariyya and the return of my scattered mind that worries about a hundred things at once with the inability to focus in a highly productive way.
This reflection, along with my increasing pregnancy discomforts and anxiety/planning for the new addition stalled my progress to almost a complete halt. Today I write because I have decided to try again and to create a new balance. As my due date grows near I have become more anxious to spend as much quality time with Zakariyya as I can. And as my pregnancy progresses I have really learned the difference between quality and quantity time with my little baby. I definitely need time to rest and recharge in order to keep up with him.
My new goals are simple:
- Motherhood: spend as much quality time with Zakariyya as possible. Do all I can with him that might be too difficult with a newborn
- Religion: pray five times a day, read Quran or other Islamic reading daily for any amount of time, study Arabic daily for any amount of time
- Health/Wellness: Continue to walk every day and eat whole foods/complex carbs. Exercise most days.
- Business Development: Work for at least an hour every day
Writing out my revised plan is a little disappointing as it is much less ambitious than before. But I need to take into account that my toddler’s needs are growing as well as the needs of the baby yet to be born. They are both the priority and my life plans need to be adjusted in accordance.
Until next time.